Good afternoon and welcome to the members of the School Committee, Administration, fellow faculty, returning alumni, parents, friends, older and younger siblings, those of you still trying to figure out who you really are, and all others who may have fallen through the cracks in this overblown introduction. And, of course, last, but on this day foremost, welcome and congratulations to the bright, good looking, and outstanding class of ’03:

You never know how difficult something is going to be until you try it. You may think this is true about high school. But it’s even more true when you are asked to write about the experience in a graduation speech. Think about it for a moment: What exactly does a commencement address consist of? I tried to remember my own high school graduation and could remember nothing more than an old priest telling us to be good people while all we were thinking about was what festivities lay ahead after the droning monologue ended. Then I stopped to think about all the other graduation speeches I had ever heard and realized I couldn’t remember a single thing about them either. Now why is this? Either I have a remarkably poor memory and those of you who know me at all know that this is a distinct possibility, , or else graduation speeches are by definition forgettable. What are you expecting? Perhaps a few “gosh isn’t it amazing how far you’ve all come” cliches followed by some unsolicited advice? Maybe some somber news of the day, pointing out the fact that we are still effectively at war, and there are bigger things to think about in the world around us.

So, put yourself in my shoes for a minute, how do you go about doing something when you have no experience at it? Being a historian by training, I decided to do some research. Despite telling all of you that the internet is the worst place in the world to get information of any quality, I typed “High School Commencement Address” into a Google Search engine and got 688,000 hits—gee, that really helped to narrow it down!. But after reading numerous transcripts of addresses, I realized that all graduation speeches are basically the same, a bit like a predictable meal. So since this will be the first of many graduations you will attend throughout your life, here is what is on the menu:

We start with an appetizer of collective praise and light banter. This will be followed by a main course of platitudes and philosophical ruminations—throw away the big words that graduation speakers use to prove themselves—and that’s the “now that you are becoming adults, here’s what to expect…” meat and potatoes dish. And then, finally, there’s the desert of soft-serve self-help suggestions.

So that’s the speech, but what about the speaker? He or she is usually a person of great distinction and with the wisdom that comes with age. He or she is aging gracefully, an institution in the school, and has both a quick wit and a sense of gravitas. Here, I must say, you chose the wrong guy. I have never liked know it alls, and now you are asking me to be one. I am not, whatever you may think, old enough to be aging gracefully and compared to august figures like Mr. Ireland and Madamoiselle Fairbrother I am nothing more than an upstart. But I guess you can be forgiven, since you didn’t know what the qualifications were for graduation speaker when you voted. The problem is, that you will be subjected to a much less mature frame of reference. As many of you know, I spend most of my time giving speeches to my two sons who are now and 3 and 5 years old. These speeches consist mainly of insisting that they ask nicely, imploring them not to push each other down the stairs and encouraging them to avoid disgusting unheigenic personal habits. Due to the dignity of this occasion, I will not elaborate. Of course I am well aware that most of you are beyond this sort of thing…but let me give you the simplified grown up version: good manners will help you in life, don’t hit people when they annoy you (note that this lesson can have foreign policy implications). Lastly, pay close attention to your personal hygiene (flossing twice a day reduces your chance of stroke quite considerably I’m told) But this is hardly the stuff of a graduation speech-unless you are a Kurt Vonnegut fan or a dentist.

So after I figured out the general formula for the commencement address, I went to ask some of you what you wanted from this speech. This was a very bad idea. Here are some of the things that you said: Lauren Abend told me to “make it perfect…because our class is perfect.” How’s that for a little pressure…Clearly this speech will not have to build your self-esteem. Kailin Clarke suggested that my comments should be “witty and urbane.” But he seemed to forget my limitations and the fact that we are in Concord so the most you can expect is something sub-urbane. Some of you counseled style—Erin Barber said “look serious and dignified and maybe you will fool the audience.” Several members of my home room suggested that I lower a giant screen behind me and show sections of an Austin Powers movie because, as one of you so diplomatically put it, “he’s much funnier than you are anyway and that way we would at least pay attention.” A couple of you even insisted that I “lay down some phat tracks and bust a freestyle.” To translate for the older members of the audience, this means I ought to rap part of the speech. To this, I reply in the words of LL Cool J, the Old School rapper, who once said “stylin, profilin’…I DON’T THINK SO.”

During my inquisition of seniors regarding the content of today’s address Kyle Casey informed me that all graduation speeches must make reference to Robert Frost’s the Road Not Taken. But it is not the road NOT taken that we must consider today—clearly you’ve all come to the end of the same road. Most of you have been sprinting, or in some cases strolling, in the academic fast lane. Some of you may have headed up the wrong road at times and been steered kindly back by Mr. Rollins. A few of you may have stumbled in to the detention ditch, or fallen into the S-19, planning room quagmire. At times you may have even found yourselves wandering lost through the woods, wondering where it was you wanted to go. But the important thing is that you have all made it HERE to the end of this well-travelled road and you have arrived here together… Oh yeah, by the way, graduation speeches are also marked by tired cliches usually presented in strained metaphors like that one.

Another thing a commencement speaker is supposed to do is provide you a clear-cut map of the future, suggesting ways for you to navigate through life with confidence and grace. I could now politely welcome you to the jungle. But I have to confess to you that I don’t know what the “jungle” of the real world will hold for you. You are coming of age at a time when discussions of terrorism, war, and weapons of mass destruction are commonplace. Yet duct tape, plastic, and SARS masks do not make very good graduation presents. It is easy to get confused and discouraged in the face of enormous forces of history which seem beyond our power to influence. To choose a path and follow it with conviction, not knowing exactly where it will lead you is an act of courage. As Napoleon once said, “courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.” So go about making your choices deliberately, keeping in mind the areas that are within your control. If you feel some anxiety as you choose your path towards an uncertain future—join the club—but don’t let it paralyze you.

Now here comes the unwanted advice part…and I must say, I enter this part of this speech with apprehension. Why? Because, to paraphrase a famous saying by Mark Twain, giving unsolicited advice to an adolescent is like teaching a hippopotamus to sing….it wastes your time and annoys the hippopotamus. Ask your parents, they have been trying to teach you to sing for years now. But you are older and wiser now that you are high school graduates, and you will, of course, immediately realize the wisdom and importance of what I am about to tell you: I have the soft-serve, self-help dispenser ready…I hope you are still hungry.

Cultivate the art of appreciation…you have, no matter whether you come from Boston, Concord, or Carlisle, had the opportunity to attend an outstanding school. Many of you have grown up in the midst of extraordinary wealth and privilege. All of you have spent time in a school environment where literally hundreds of people have helped provide you a clean, safe, and stimulating place to grow. Spending time in a community where so much has been given to you, you are in danger of suffering from a deadly disease called affluenza. Affuenza does not simply effect the wealthy, it can be contracted by spending prolongued periods around them. Its tell-tale signs are a sense that you are better than most other people, that you are owed something, and that you are bored by your day to day routine. Affluenza (known more commonly as entitlement) is both an emotional disorder and a heart condition. The best cure for this condition is for you to acknowledge, immediately, that you have, as a group, been profoundly blessed. You didn’t make it here today on your own—so virtually everyone here can share in your accomplishment. I remember reading on one of those cheesy inspirational calanders with the beautiful landscape backgrounds that “no one who achieves success does so without acknowledging the help of others. The wise and the confident acknowledge this help with gratitude.” So, recognize that you can get help virtually anywhere—even from a cheesy calendar in your doctor’s office.

First and foremost, today is a day to thank your parents. My father used to tell me “that you can never repay your parents for what they did for you, even if you were to carry them on your back for the rest of your life.” Of course, he usually mentioned this just before he asked me to empty the dishwasher or cut the lawn—and I used to think, like you probably do at times, that my parents were in fact on my back for most of my high school career. Today you begin to break free from your parents. But don’t leave them behind. You may even find it beneficial to listen to them for a change…they are, in most cases, your biggest fans. Stay in touch with your friends and teachers too. As those of you who play sports know, its always nice to have a sizeable cheering section when you’re playing, or in this case living, away from home. Learn to appreciate people, particularly those who help you and you will live longer, make more money, and have more friends. Who knows, you may even achieve Enlightenment!

Here comes the second scoop of self-help. Live an interesting life, but remember that you can do this without being flashy. You don’t have to be a Nobel Peace Prize winning, hot air baloonist with bizarre friends and bohemian whimsy to live an interesting life. It may even be possible to live an interesting life in a place as seemingly uninteresting as Concord. Just remember that no matter how intriguing your life becomes, don’t think that your life is more praise worthy than anyone else’s. Achievement comes in many forms and, if you are going to cultivate the art of appreciation, learn to see the many ways a life can be well lived.|

That’s it for the suggestions, so desert has been served. But before I sit down, I have one more observation to make about graduation speeches. You might consider this the palate cleanser. Remember when I said that no one can recall a specific commencement address? This is because very few people ever listen to them, particularly once they drag on. Why is this? You graduates just want to get out of here already. You parents are too busy loading film or toying with video cameras to be concerned with anything else. And the faculty over here are busy figuring out how the speech (or the speaker) could have been better. In all three cases, all a graduation speaker does is get in the way. So, I will show you what I have learned from this venture and will end quickly so that we all can get to what we have been waiting for.

One of the great pleasures of teaching is sharing in your youthful exuberance and watching you as you grow, reluctantly at times, into young adults. It’s this collective exuberance that I will remember most about the class of ‘03. For your enthusiasm and spirit—when appropriately expressed, we thank you. For your growing sense of responsibility, we appreciate you. For your many accomplishments during the last four years, we congratulate you. Remember what this school provided you even if it wasn’t always pleasant and don’t take this day or anybody that helped get you here for granted.

Any half way decent commencement address ends with a taste of the sublime. Here, once again, I rely on the words of someone with a greater sense of the sublime than I have, the German poet Goethe…”Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”